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JANUARY 2000
Page 2 - Chirpy and Leah Arrive
Page 3 - Let Me Introduce You
Page 4 - The Wallet
Page 5 - If God Had Voice Mail
Page 6 - Can You Guess?
Page 7 - Computer Tips & Tricks
Page 8 - Links of Interest
Page 9 - Look What We Found!
Page 10 - Differences -- England vs. America
Page 11 - Answer to "Can You Guess?"
Page 12 - Tips For Microsoft Word

Most of us have learned to live with voice mail as a necessary part of our daily lives. But have you ever wondered what it would be like if God decided to install Voice Mail? Imagine praying and hearing the following:

Thank you for calling Heaven. Please select one of the following options:

  1. Press 1 for requests.
  2. Press 2 for thanksgiving.
  3. Press 3 for complaints.
  4. Press 4 for all other inquires.


All of our angels and saints are busy helping other sinners right now. However, your prayer is important to us and we will answer it in the order it was received. Please stay on the line.

If you would like to speak to:

  • God, press 1.
  • For Jesus, press 2.
  • For the Holy Spirit, press 3.
  • If you would like to hear King David sing a Psalm while you are holding, press 4.
  • To find a loved one that has been assigned to Heaven, press 5; then enter his or her social security number (or National Health Service number) followed by the pound sign (hash mark).

If you receive a negative response, please hang up and try area code 666.

For reservations at Heaven, please enter J-O-H-N followed by numbers 3-1-6.

For answers to nagging questions about dinosaurs, the age of the earth, life on other planets and where Noah's ark is, please wait until you arrive.

Our computers show that you have already prayed today. Please hang up and try again tomorrow

This office is now closed for the weekend to observe a religious holiday. Please pray again on Monday after 9:30 a.m.  If you are calling after hours and need emergency assistance, please contact your local pastor.

Praise God for NOT having voice mail and listening to us every time we speak.

(Sent in by Eunice)

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Thank you for calling Heaven. Please select one of the following options: